I'm waiting for a storm to blow into town, and the wind is stirring up a need to hole up and hit the pause button on my life. I can't stay paused, but I'm going to embrace this for at least a moment or two. Tonight I am quiet. I'm taking an intermission. I found myself too quick to react this week.
I'm finding that the high points aren't static; I am trying to embrace this, lest I [gasp] become someone who doesn't notice the high points.
I'm sitting with the idea of "inversion" this week--the idea that when turned upside down, things don't always look better, but at least they look different. I've always been a fan of multiple perspectives. I have a vision of myself simply kicking into handstand anytime events occur that seem utterly ridiculous or untenable; it's not realistic, but metaphorically might work.
Earlier this week I was consumed by some "What if?" feelings. I was reminded of wise words shared with me: "Whatever decision you make is right, because it's the decision you make." Seems simplistic, but who can argue with that?
I occasionally allow myself the indulgence of the "what if?" In the past week (which has quite possibly been a year) I've thought: (in no particular order and not related) Why didn't I marry that absolutely lovely computer scientist I dated? Why didn't I become a lawyer? (duh, it's boring, however, writing checks each month to my lawyer has forced me to reconsider...) Why have I spent my life looking for something more exciting and not paying attention to red flags (even those glaring, wildly flapping one's) in romantic relationships? Why did it take so long for me to figure out that I was the "greater good" that I should be sacrificing for? But, I am reminded, by many brilliant folks, that we truly do the best we can with the information we have. And, I don't want to go back and alter anything, for fear that exactly who I am now is exactly who I'm supposed to be...lessons learned from great 80's movies should not be discounted. [Consider: Back to the Future]
I wonder if I could have ever learned what I have this year without it occurring in such a surreal and incomprehensible (to me) way.
Gratitude is a strange thing. Sometimes we realize we're grateful long after an event has occurred. I prefer the more instantaneous feelings--where you don't have to figure out why a particular event was a gift...but I learn a lot more from events that take some time to figure out. Over a decade ago I packed myself up and headed south, away from people and a place I loved. I have never regretted it; I remain grateful for the experience, but I had some really fabulous full body, snot-bubble producing cries during that journey. And who isn't grateful for a snot bubble once in a while? Inversion. Snot bubbles generally produce laughter, which leads to perspective, which leads to new opportunity, which... leads to the recognition that the truest moments of complete happiness I have are in response and in relation to nothing at all, or everything all together. And they most often occur after a low point. Hmmm...inversions occur naturally, I think.