This month's funk began benignly enough, as they often do, on the heels of some excitement, and then slowly became less and less benign. I moved from what I thought was a fabulous purge of energy and emotion...to the slippery slope that is depression. Crying, for me, is productive. A need to curl up under a blanket without even the energy to read a good book? Ambivalence about what I'm eating? Not so much. A much more interesting exploration of this phenomenon was illustrated beautifully on a blog recently (http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/). Absolute brilliance and worth the read (and re-read) if you have a moment or two.
Anyway. I'm not depressed (I was for a couple of days...a week?). I'm now recognizing that I'm just in a bit of a lull, and I'm a little bit tired. There's a lot of flux and uncertainty (You know that moment when you realize that you can do and be anything in your life? Sounds great in theory, but the reality can throw one for a bit of a loop). This is both a terribly exciting time and a terrifying one, alternately. How I respond to this period of time is all about where I place my attention. I found myself dwelling on things that had nothing to do with me or my reality in the last while. I described what I'd like as my "ideal" life to a friend of mine recently, and she said, "I think you just described your life now." Well, I'm a slow learner sometimes, and it took a few more references and allusions to bringing my attention back to what was/is real before I caught on to the fact (just today) that, indeed, I'm exactly where I need to be doing exactly what I need to be doing, and really, it's pretty lovely. I don't plan on doing it much longer, but right now it's all I need to be doing. Right now is a pretty nice space to live in.
Yoga, of course, three classes in a row was a reminder that where we place our attention is what we get more of. (And, indeed, the dark thoughts, the monkey mind, the self-doubt was certainly feeding on itself and replicating itself exponentially). I know this on a conscious level, but sometimes I let my mind just go where it wants. Sometimes it works, but at others, it's simply ridiculous. I do laugh at myself at these moments, but more often than not, click the tape right back on and keep listening. Friday evening's yoga instructor said that as he was sitting down to meditate, he had a thought, then said, "It would be so nice never to have that thought again." And, of course, it was the thought that swirled around in his mind for the entire session...and he said, "I realized I had no control of my own mind." My therapist also mentioned that maybe I could consider that I don't need to figure out things that have nothing to do with me, or my "right now." NOWNOWNOWNOWNOW. Hmmmm....
A couple of weeks ago, two of my students asked me the meaning of "etc." as they had seen it written many times. I spelled it out for them: et cetera. They looked at me and laughed, then told me they'd been reading it as an acronym for: End of Thinking Capacity. Now, when I find myself trapped in monkey mind, I simply say to myself: et cetera. etc. Indeed. No more capacity for those thoughts.
Right now? I have some work to do. Right now? I wish I could see the people I love more often. Right now? I know that everything will always be in flux. And right now, that's just fine.