Monday, April 23, 2012

Paradoxes and Wide Open Spaces

One of my favorite Story People stories is:  "feels like some kind of ride, but it's turning out just to be life going absolutely perfectly."  And my favorite moments in life are when I can sit back, laugh a bit at myself and realize that I'm finally able to see the truth of the perfection.  I'm a fan of letting go with both hands, clearing space for whatever is coming, and moving forward knowing that anything is possible.  It's scary as hell sometimes, but it sure as hell pays off big when I trust that the outcome will serve.

I wasn't prepared for the level of bliss that closing on my house this past week and selling my things would offer.  I haven't been able to stop smiling.  I've reclaimed my own ways of moving through the world...and my belief that everything we put out into the world will always come back to us.  Generosity of spirit, of time, of energy is never wasted.  And I am so grateful to so many who have shared their spirit, their time, and their energy with me when I've needed them.  These feelings of gratitude are both humbling and expansive.

I think I've finally given myself permission to look forward and shrug off any last bits of debris (aka  responsibilities) here.  I have a dissertation that can be finished in the next months from anywhere I choose to be.  I have an amazing series of professional experiences that I'll tuck in my belt and walk away with.  And, truthfully, in retrospect?  Not one regret.  I put my whole self in, all in, all the time, to everything I took on.  And it's paid off.  And now?  I teach another month, I write, I pack, and I drive away.  And I smile.  The ride, despite some momentary crash and burns, has gone perfectly.  I will leave here with the experiences I came here for, and now it's time to see where those lead me.  And things feel wide wide open.

Last week at yoga, one of the themes was "paradox"--as in the ability to see the beauty that surrounds us even when we're feeling sad or dark.  And I think that this whole ride is a continual paradox:  the world can be harsh and ugly, but there, in a moment of darkness, is a hummingbird, a smile from a stranger, a moment of utter peace even when everything feels like it's crumbling around us-- these moments are truth. These moments are our core.  These moments remind us that despite indications to the contrary, life is going absolutely perfectly.  Everything is always precarious in the day to day.  It is our core being that keeps us on course.  And happiness always returns.  Always.  We can step into wide open spaces knowing, trusting, that there is so much that will fill us up, and so much that we can offer.

And if I can continue to move through the world in the ways I believe in, and if I can hold my course to what I believe to be true and right no matter what else is happening around me?  And to recognize that this is going to grow and change as I do?  Then the paradox is a blessing.  And the wide open spaces go on and on.  This drawing in and expanding out--simultaneously --seems to be the balance we continually walk.

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