In the midst of things that are ever changing, the opportunity to feel stability is a gift. I have quit seeing stability as something static. How could it be? Those who try to force it to be are the one's who seem the least stable (I know that when I've tried to hold tightly to a state, I'm generally left with lots and lots of matter swirling around me--and smacking me in the face).
And so I've been playing with the idea that I will find stability only as I accept that there is nothing that is static. This theme has resurfaced, yes, but I'm noting its recurrence and honoring that.
In the past two weeks, I've gone from carrying the most stress I've ever lugged around to a feeling of lightness I didn't know was possible after a year (almost to the date) of weight. I've been curious about this link between the emotional and physical reactions...realizing that my body would take over if I refused to process feelings...and it wasn't pretty. The emotions weren't and aren't linked to a demise of a relationship--that's a comfortable and necessary state at this point. I have no regrets. The emotions were tied to the fact that someone who wished me harm, and who isn't operating on a plane I understand, still had control of certain aspects of my life. It was difficult to live with (understatement). With this lifted, giddiness ensued. And then compassion. And then giddiness. And then compassion. And at that moment, I realized I had set it down--not just for the moment, as I have before, but forever. I have had a tendency to extend way too much compassion to others and very little to myself. BUT, in the moment I'm speaking of, I found myself joyous for myself and feeling compassion for an other. And at that moment, I realized how truly truly free I was.
This marriage of joyousness and compassion may be the answer. Who knows? I do know I'm hard pressed to make any huge declarations of late, but that may be as close as I get to certainty for a while.